What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
![]()
![]()
You Might Also Like
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
![]()
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
A dad and his duck
I love art.
![]()
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
![]()
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.