What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today