Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
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Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*