I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.