For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Basketball
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”