*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
jesus christ confetti not now
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”