Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
shampoo implies shampee
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.