“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Smells like a challenge to me