And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
You Might Also Like
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble