[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
You Might Also Like
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.