[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Midwest trash talk
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
never forget
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
The Wolf of Wall Street.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.