one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode