I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does