I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

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My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.


For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.


Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.


Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.


Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.


Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now


ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.


Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.


me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?