@KentWGraham

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

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@MichaelTrying

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

@BastardProphet

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

@DudeMass

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

@dyldonot

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

@jehujeni

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

@CrockettForReal

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

@Lance_Said_This

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

@imdaintyaf

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

@mrjohndarby

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?