Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
You Might Also Like
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
This cat wants you to take your pills
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music