@Hadzilla

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

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@JermHimselfish

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

@Schindizzle

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

@jakery

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

@badbanana

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

@robdelaney

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

@jaslakhmna

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

@kelkulus

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

@asaltiercorpse

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

@drearydoug

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.