“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem