[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My favorite farside!!
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.