Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

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[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?


[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE


My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”


It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit


My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.


The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious


I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.


[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.


LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.