@retniw_nuf

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

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@BigJDubz

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

@ArfMeasures

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

@UnfilteredMama

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

@pixelatedboat

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

@TitansHomer

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

@Prof_Hinkley

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

@DadandBuried

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

@clichedout

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.