Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
You Might Also Like
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.