Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras