Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do


*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?


Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.


Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.


Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?


“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics


I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?


My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”


Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.


Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.