@Ciara_Knight

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

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@jonnysun

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

@crabgirl_

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

@maziibe_

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

@Cheeseboy22

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

@knot_eye

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

@sageboggs

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

@UnFitz

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

@iamjohnsarris

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

@QwertyJones3

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

@unravelingfire

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.