I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
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A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.