Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn鈥檛 keep their room clean.
6: 馃槼
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It鈥檚 better than the truth!
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Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I鈥檝e had mono since 2009.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
It鈥檚 not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don鈥檛 think he ever deleted his profile
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn鈥檛 have possibly have been my fault.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I鈥檒l never watch*
I鈥檒l definitely check it out.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Alicia Keys: 馃幎 I keep on fallin’ 馃幍
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*