Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
You Might Also Like
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs