Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
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If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
HERE’S MARKY
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Merry Christmas
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I have questions??
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.