I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd