Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon