Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
You Might Also Like
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11