If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
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I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Tough love is true love
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
There are usually two types of merchants.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.