I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Unimpressed
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning