Unimpressed
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Overindulged this afternoon.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.