Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
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[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
This is true.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
One of the best
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
i prefer mine room temperature.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.