This is true.
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Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
At least he brought enough for everyone
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?