Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

Breakfast for Stoners:

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.