It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”