If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?