An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
choose your fighter
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.