I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
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Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend