Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
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Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”