It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
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I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
My purse is deeper than some people.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!