wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
You Might Also Like
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.