A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar