There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
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What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”