The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Just got to our Airbnb!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
From Facebook just now…
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1