The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
You Might Also Like
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
rapatouille
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap