rapatouille
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oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn