Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm