This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
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“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
next level snooze
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed