“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
You Might Also Like
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
sistine chapel
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
pictures of spider-man