Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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What the hell happened here.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.