Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute