If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
It’s an epidemic…
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Every haunted house movie:
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend