I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
reviewed some movies recently
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
HELP 😭
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.