i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
You sure about that?
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Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Your secret is safeish with me
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does