i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I’m a bad influence on myself.