If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.