If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
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Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone