Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Worst Native American name ever.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!