Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
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My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.